Talk Show! LOTF Edition
by Nocturna Musique
Summary: After the boys come back to civilization, they appear on a talk show. A rather bizarre paper that I wrote a year ago after reading LOTF in English. Enjoy! Don't be to critical, after all it's just for fun.


The Talk Show Script

**Hostess:** Welcome to the show! Today we're here with five of the boys who were stranded on a desert island for almost a month before they were rescued. Though it sounds like an adventure, the children's councilors have told us otherwise. Through some serious counseling, and much of the latest psychological treatment, the boys are ready to appear on our show, and relate their traumatizing experience. But first, let me introduce to you the naval officer who rescued the boys from certain doom! Here he is…

(Enter **Naval Officer**)

**Officer:** Thank you! Thank you! You are all wonderful!

**Hostess:** You're welcome. Now can you tell us how you happened to find the boys?

**Officer:** Well I only spotted the island, because the boys had set the whole thing on fire. Apparently it was to smoke another boy out of the jungle. So I ordered our ship to land and as soon as I got off the ship this half-naked boy runs up to me, and suddenly this swarm of little savages tears out of the burning forest behind. Then once I told them they were being rescued they got all teary. Really, it was quite embarrassing. I expected more of proper British boys.

**Hostess:** How did the boys react once you brought them aboard?

**Officer: ** Well the littlest ones were quite confused, most of them had forgotten their own names. But the big boys, well they were all in various degrees of shock. One boy, I think his name was Roger, threw things at me when I tried to go into his room.

**Hostess: **Well thank you Officer. Let's give this man a hand! (Audience applauds)

**Hostess: ** That was enlightening! Now here are the people you all have been eager to see… they have endured storms, hunting, and two island fire. Let me present… the boys! Our professionals will later do an analysis on the boys and pinpoint exactly how the island affected their state of mind. Here they are! We have Ralph! (Ralph jogs in) Jack! (Jack struts in) Roger! (Roger shuffles in) and… Sam and Eric!!! (Sam and Eric walk in with synchrony)

**Audience: **You boys were so brave! (Cheers and clapping, girl fans hold up signs that say "We ♥ you Ralph!!")

**Hostess: **Well have a seat, boys. (Boys sit on floor)I meant in the chairs. (Audience laughs) Now I'd like each of you boys to tell me a bit about yourselves, before the experts come in. Ralph, why don't you go first?

**Ralph: ** Well, my name's Ralph, I used to have some pet horses, my dad is a naval officer, and I used to go to an all boys academy with some of them (gestures to the others) before the incident.

**Hostess: ** Do you feel comfortable telling us a little bit about what went on, on the island?

**Ralph: **Yes I do, and I'm glad you asked. I was elected leader, but SOME PEOPLE wouldn't listen to me and started hunting instead of building shelters, they killed Simon and then he (points to Roger) killed Piggy.

**Roger:** Did not! (Says aside) _Even though he deserved it._

**Hostess: ** Now boys, let's settle down…

**Ralph: ** He killed Piggy! He killed Piggy! He's a murderer! Why didn't I help Piggy! I want my mummy! (Starts crying)

**Jack:** Well… well so what if you were elected leader? Everyone joined my tribe in the end! I'm a better leader, AND I can sing C#. Who here still thinks I'm a better leader? (No one raises their hands) Oh, I don't care! You all are just stupid. (Wipes away tears)

**Hostess: **There there, could Ralph's mother please come and collect her boy? He can come back later when he feels better. (Ralph runs into his mothers arms) Now Jack can you tell us about yourself?

**Jack: **My names Jack Merridew, I was Choir Leader back at Wallace's Academy for Boys, and…and… (Gets a crazed look in eyes) KILL THE PIG! DO IT IN! SLIT ITS THROAT! (Grabs a microphone stand, and runs at a fat lady in the audience and starts beating her over the head).

**Hostess:** Quick, get security in here and call in the doctor! (Security rushes in and restrains Jack, Audience is screaming.)

**Doctor: **Never fear! Dr. Phil is here! (Says to security guards)_Keep him in the chair!_

**Hostess: **Can you tell us how his trip to the island is making him act like this?

**Doctor: **Well I'll have to ask him a few questions. Now Jack what is your favorite food?

**Jack:** Roast pig meat!

**Doctor: **Mmm hmm…Now when you were on the island how did you feel most of the time?

**Jack: **I felt the need to kill! Only, that Ralph boy tried to stop us from having fun. We almost burnt him up, but that man in the uniform stopped us.

**Doctor: **Aha! The boy is suffering from prolonged effects from the island! In short he forgets himself and slips back to the way he was, with his inner beast emerging!

**Jack: ** Beast? Where's the beast!?!?!?

**Doctor: **No, not a real beast! You are having flashbacks from your experience on the island! You understand? You are not on that island anymore. You are a normal British boy whose favorite food is oatmeal _at least that is my favorite food._ You need to forget about the past. Now I'll ask you again: what is your favorite food?

**Jack:** I like… I like…pig; I mean oatmeal, and tea!

**Doctor: **Wonderful! He is beginning to remember who he truly is. Let's give Jack a hand for using his willpower. (Audience half-applauds, and Doctor exits)

**Hostess: **Now wasn't that wonderful? Now can the lady that this young fellow attacked please come to the stage? (Fat women waddles up) Now what's your name?

**Jack:** KILL THE… I mean, sorry I almost beat your brains out.

**Mrs. Bacon: **That's fine dear, you've been through so much.My name is Franny Bacon, I own a candy store, and I was the Auntie of the adorable little boy, named Francis, who was killed on that dreadful island.

**Hostess: **Can you tell us a bit about this charming nephew of yours?

**Mrs. Bacon: **He was the most polite little fellow, and very intelligent to. But I always had the feeling that the other boys at school picked on him because he had asthma, glasses, and was a little chubby. I never dreamed that he would die because of it.

**Hostess: ** Well isn't that just terrible! Thank you so much for relating that with us. (Audience bawls)Now let's finish our interviews, and move on to the experts opinions. Roger, you're next.

**Roger:** Buzz off! Why should I tell you anything? Gimme that! (Grabs microphone and throws it off the stage. A smash and a groan are heard. Audience gasps.)

**Hostess:** Well I never! Someone woke up on the wrong side of the island today. (Audience laughs)

**Roger: **Island? (Smiles creepily) The island's all burnt up now, and so are the little piggies. Hee hee.

**Hostess:** OK. Let's move on. Sam? Eric? Umm, which one is which?

**Sam: **That's okay...

**Eric: **Not many people can tell us apart.

**Hostess:** Well isn't that something! They finish each others sentences! Now, Sam and Eric, can you tell me about yourselves?

**Sam: **Well we always do things together...

**Eric: ** and we stuck together on the island.

**Sam:** We followed Ralph first…

**Eric:** But Jack made us join his tribe.

**Sam:** And by the way…

**Eric: **we weren't there when Simon got murdered, because...

**Samneric: **we left early!

**Hostess: **All right. That concludes our interview with the boys. Now here come the experts on child psychology. They will talk to the boys in private, and then share their results with us. Let's have a break while they do their stuff.

♪ ♫ SHORT INTERMISSION ♫ ♪

**Hostess:** We're back with our experts. Let's have the analysis on Ralph.

**Expert 1: **Ralph is obviously suffering from a condition we like to call Cantforgiveandforgetia. For those of you who don't know what that is, Ralph is feeling so guilty about the things that he could have done better on the island, that he is causing himself to have mental breakdowns, and spells where he can't remember where he is. When he has a breakdown, he may try to hurt the people he was with on the island.

**Hostess: **How about Jack?

**Expert 2: **Ahh. Jack was an interesting case. As the doctor said earlier, he suffers from intense flashbacks to the island, where he still has a lust to spill blood. These flashbacks and hallucinations were caused by extreme experiences he had on the island, that were burned into his memory.

**Hostess: **Roger, how was he?

**Expert 3: **Oh, the boy who enjoys causing pain. We couldn't actually ask him anything, _who gave him that butter knife anyway? The brat cut me!_ But we can guess that he was a bully before the island incident, and the island only brought out his worst side. Perhaps he was insecure about himself in his old life, and hurt others in order to feel better.

**Hostess: **How did the twins fare?

**Expert 4: **The twins are fine mentally, but according to them they both have nightmares about a horrible beast. They said that the nightmares keep getting worse, and worse, which could be an indication that they may be fine consciously, but subconsciously they can't forget the terrible things they witnessed.

**Hostess: **Well now that they have been diagnosed, let's hope the boys' counselor's can get them back on track. _I certainly wouldn't want to deal with them anyway._ Well, we're out of time, but join us next time to hear the tale told to us by the survivor of two island fires. He claims to be called Mulberry Boy, and was left behind, taken for dead, when the Boys on the island were rescued…-BBTTTZZ- (TV TURNS OFF)


End file.
